Ø A man brings his best buddy home for dinner – unannounced at 7.30 p.m. after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife : My hair and makeup are not done, the house is in mess, the dishes are not done. I'm still in my pajamas and can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for ? Husband : Because he's thinking of getting married & I promised him a demo !
Ø Most meaningful conversation between two intelligent men. 1 st Man : I'm a man of few words. 2nd Man : After a long pause ! I am also Married ……!
Ø If you give Rs 5000 to your friend but he needs only Rs 2500. How much will he return ? Student : 0. Teacher : You don't know Maths ? Student : You don't know my friends !
Ø An Afghan upon landing at Islamabad Airport introduced himself as a Pakistan Immigration Officer, as Ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan. The Pakistani Officer was surprised and asked 'But there is no sea in Afghanistan. "How can you be the ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping ?" The Afghan replied : "Wallah ya habibi, don't you have a Minister for Law & Justice in Pakistan ?"
Ø An inspirational speaker said, "The Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife." Audience was in shock and silence. He added, "She was my mother." A big round of applause and laughter followed.
A very daring husband tried to crack this at home. After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen. "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife." Standing for a moment, he tried to recall the second line of that inspirational speaker. By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water !
Moral : Don't copy. If you can't paste ….!!!
Ø A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied – "My husband's cheque book !!"
Ø A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, 'Husband – the Master of the House'? Sales Girl : "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!".
Ø Someone asked an old man : "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What's the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her.
Ø A man in Hell asked Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife ? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.
Ø Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !
Ø Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this "Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, "I will leave you one fine day." I was just trying to remind you……
Ø A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning, he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Ø A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said, "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie." Said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them and drinks." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven year-old?"
Ø Two prisoners were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile. "Who's there?" shouted a guard. The first prisoner replied with a convincing imitation of a cat's meow. Reassured, the guard went back to his sounds. But then the second prisoner dislodged another tile. The guard repeated, "Who's there?" "The other cat." Answered the prisoner.
Ø A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost. She reduced altitude shouted to a man below : Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am. Man below replied : you are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude, 59 degree West longitude. Lady : you must be an engineer. Man : How do you know ? Lady : Everything you told me is technically correct but useless, the fact is I'm still lost. Engineer : You must be in Top Management. Lady : Ya, How do you know ? Engineer : You don't know where you are or where you're going ? You made a promise, which you've no idea, how to keep. You expect people beneath you to solve your problems !!!
Ø Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, forgot laughter were called SAINTS. BUT NOW THEY ARE CALLLED…..
IT PROFESSIONALS/LOGISTICS PROFESSIONALS.
Ø You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him," That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback !
Ø In a factory, a man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly…… CEO of that factory came and asked his salary….. Man replied "5000 sir". CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him…. "I pay people here to work and not to waste time. This is your 3 months salary. Now get out of here. Never come back." That guy left…… Then CEO asked workers "Who was that guy?" Workers replied, "Pizza delivery boy, Sir." MORAL : don't overreact in every situation ! Ø Girl : Ever since you got married with me, 1. We don't go out, 2. We don't eat out, 3. You don't give me money for my hair, 4. You are not romantic anymore, 5. You don't say I am beautiful anymore.
The man gave out a lengthy laugh and replied. Did you ever see a politician campaigning after winning the elections?
Ø At Niagara falls….! Guide : I welcome you all to Niagara Falls… these are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high. Even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard ! Now I request the Indian ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls !!!
Ø Bill Gates has decided not to invest further in India after receiving a letter from Mr Banta :
To Bill Gates
Microsoft, U.S.A.
Subject : Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr Gates :
We have brought a computer for our home and have found some problems which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button, 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle' but I own a scooter.
3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working. My wife lost the door key & we tried a lot to trace the key with the 'find' button but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child learned 'Microsoft word & now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence' so when you will provide that ?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse & key board but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer' when will you provide the remaining items ?
6. It is surprising that windows says 'My Picture' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that ?
7. There is 'Microsoft Office' what about 'Microsoft Home' since I use the PC at home.
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When will you provide 'My Past Documents ?
9. You provide 'My Network Places.' For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places.' I do not want my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Last one Mr Bill Gates
P.S. : 'Sir how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling 'Windows?'
Regards, Banta
· A man walked into a second-storey bar and ordered a drink. The man next to him began a conversation about wind current in the area. The first man said he didn't understand about wind currents in the area. The first man said he didn't understand what was so special about the wind, so the second man said, "Let me demonstrate." With that he went to the window, jumped out, did a little spin in midair and came back in, "See how great the current are ? You can do the same thing." After a few more drinks and much prodding, the first man decided to test the wind currents. He went to the window, jumped out and fell to the ground. The bartender looked at the other man and said, "Superman, you're really mean when you're drunk."
· "I'm so depressed and I can't get any dates," the 135 – kilo man told his minister, "I've tried everything to lose weight." "I think, I can help, " said the minister, "Be dressed and ready to to tomorroe at 8am." Next morning, a beautiful woman in a skin-tight exercise suit knocked on the man's door. "If you can catch me, you can have me," she said, as she took off. He buffed and puffed after her. This routine went on every day for the next five months. The man lost more than 50 kilos and felt confident that he would catch the woman next day. That morning he whipped open his front door and found a 135-kilo woman in a jogging suit waiting for him. "The minister said to tell you," she began, "that if I can catch you, I can have you."
· Once a fellow went into a restaurant and ordered a one-kilo lobster."Waiter," he said when his meal was placed before him, "this lobster has only one claw." "I'm sorry, sir," the waiter replied, "But sometimes the lobster fight in the tank." "In that case," the diner said, "bring me the winner!"
· Our pet dog had the habit of getting up suddenly, shaking his head and lying down again as soon as he beeps preceding the 9pm news came over the radio. One night as an amused guest watched this performance, my teenage son came up with an explanation, "Our dog is radioactive."
Ø There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonders what happened.
Ø Beautiful Story….. A mechanic was removing the engine parts from a motorcycle, when he saw famous heart surgeon in his shop. He called the surgeon and said.. "Look at this engine…I opened it heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back".. So why do I get such a small salary and you get a huge sum… The doctor smiled at the mechanic and came close to his ear and said…."Try the same when the engine is runnining,",,,,,
Ø A man agreed to buy a fine-looking horse from a farmer. But before he made his first payment, the man went back to complain, "What's the problem?" said the new owner. "Well, he can't hold his head up," said the new owner. "Oh, that's just pride," explained the farmer, "Once he's paid for, he'll be fine."
